How to be a Jewish Shomer (Best Man)

Written by: Moshe Rubin

What is a Shomer?

In Hebrew the word 'shomer" means a guard or watchman. In the context of a Jewish wedding, it refers to the groom's best man. The Shomer's main task is to make sure the Groom (Chatan) gets to his wedding as worry-free as possible.

The counterpart of the Shomer is the 'Shomeret', the Jewish best woman. Her job is similar to the Shomer's: to help the Bride (Kallah) get to her wedding free of worry and stress. Many items in the list below apply equally to a Shomer and a Shomeret. There are, however, issues specific to the Kallah that are not mentioned here. I would be happy to hear from Shom'rot (plural for Shomeret), and would be glad to create another Web page for the Jewish Shomeret.

Glossary of Terms

This document contains many Hebrew and Yiddish terms that may need explanation. There is a glossary of terms that will clarify these terms (click here).

General

Make a written list of everything and anything related to the wedding. Update it whenever you think of anything relevant to the wedding. Refer to it constantly. There will be MANY details, both big and small. You don't want to forget anything.
Part of your job is to be with the Chatan at all times starting the night before the wedding. Accompany him everywhere he goes (yes, he may go to the Men's Room alone :-)
You may want to take the Chatan and a close friend or sibling out to a nice restaurant the evening before the wedding. It is a way of making a close friend feel closer, and it gives the Chatan a welcome and sane opportunity to relax.
Remember, the Shomer's prime goal is to remove any worry from the Chatan. The Chatan should not be preoccupied with anything but getting married. Your job is to handle money issues, family, friends -- everything! Whenever possible, make the decisions on your own.
Be in close contact with Kallah's Shomeret throughout. This will enable coordination (e.g., that the Chatan and Kallah shouldn't accidentally meet each other). If you both have a (quiet!) cell phone, that's helpful.
Do you need to get anything from 'gmachim': e.g., candle holders for the Chupah?
Make sure you know the complete timetable: what time to bring the Chatan to the hall, pre-Chupah photo sessions, etc.
Make it your business to know who all family members are.

The evening before the wedding

Make sure the Chatan goes to sleep early the night before. NO LATE NIGHT OR STAG PARTY!!!
If the Chatan will be handling the financial payments on his own (i.e., not his parents), sit down with the Chatan, get a list of which professionals need to be paid (e.g., the hall, the caterer, photographer, the band) and how much. Get the money / checks / credit card from the Chatan. Remember, he must not deal with any of this at the wedding -- a sure source of aggravation!

On the day of the wedding

If the Chatan's suit is at the cleaners or tailor, make sure you get it back in time.
A very special and loving suggestion is for the Chatan to write a personal letter to the Kallah. Make sure he has the time (e.g., an hour) and the privacy to compose the letter. When written, deliver it to the Kallah.
Another suggestion is for the Chatan to send flowers to the Kallah on the wedding day. As usual, you should handle the arrangements (i.e., ordering, having the Chatan dictate a note to the floral service for inclusion, etc.)
Accompany the Chatan to the Mikvah. Ascertain the hours beforehand. Plan it so he goes before Mincha (see next bullet).
The Chatan needs to daven Mincha with vidui. Assuming he's already been to the Mikvah (see previous bullet), plan on his needing much more time than the rest of the Tzibbur (congregation). A very nice spiritual touch, if you're fortunate to be in Yerushalayim/Jerusalem, is to take him to the Kotel (the Western Wall) for Mincha. Take a taxi both ways; a bus will take too long and may tire him out.
Make sure the Chatan rests in the afternoon on the day of the wedding! Take him somewhere quiet where no one can interrupt -- no phones, no visits, etc. People will want the phone number of where you are, or they'll want to visit the Chatan. Be tactful but firm: NO! Be sure to turn the phones off to avoid waking him. Make sure your own cell phone, and the Chatan's, is in silent mode.
Be sure you have the following information well in advance of the wedding:
- Who is the Mesader Kiddushin (the officiating Rabbi)? How will he get to the hall and back home? Should you arrange a taxi to pick him up and take him back? If so, at what time? Will he be paid, and how much?
- Who will call out the names of the 'kibuddim' under the Chupah? Make sure he has the final list of names before the Chupah begins.
- Witnesses ('Eidim')
- Who will read the K'tuba under the Chupah?
- Who will get which Sheva Brachot under the Chupah? Speak to the Chatan, Kallah, and their families about this. Remember that it is customary to give the first two (2) brachot to the same person.
- Who will get Sheva Brachot after the wedding meal? Get the Chatan, Kallah, and both families' preferences here. It is a good opportunity to give a 'kibud' (honor) to someone who may have come from afar, etc.
Make sure you have the necessary items before taking the Chatan to the wedding hall
- K'tuba
- Ring
- Kittel (a white shroud, if the Chatan intends to wear one) and/or a Tallis (a Jewish prayer shawl)
- Consider taking cards with the Sheva Brachot printed in large format. Each person who makes a bracha under the Chupah gets the bracha he needs to say. You can use these for the Sheva Brachot after the meal, too.
- It is a minhag (custom) for the Chatan not to wear jewelry under the Chupah. You may want to take the Chatan's watch until after the Chupah.
At the hall, make sure you have the following items
- Wine for under the Chupah
- Ashes (for placing on the Chatan's forehead)
- A cup for breaking under the Chupah (this act serves as an expression of sadness over the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem)
Either drive the Chatan yourself to the hall, or take a taxi.

After the wedding

The Chatan and Kallah should not deal with any financial payments after the wedding. If the couple's parents are handling these issues, fine. If not, you should handle it for them. If you are handling it, you should have gotten the necessary money from the Chatan / Kallah beforehand. If you need more money, solve the problem on your own. Don't drag the newlywed couple into it!
Arrange transportation for the couple after the wedding. Ask the Chatan if he would like you to accompany him and his wife to their hotel or new home to handle the check-in procedure, payments, etc.
Determine where the wedding gifts should be transported to.

Conclusion

This probably seems like a lot of work (and it is!). The position of Shomer carries with it a great responsibility: making sure the Chatan and Kallah, king and queen for the week, experience a worry-free wedding. This, in all probability, will be the greatest gift you can give them.

Moshe Rubin
Rechov Shaulson 59/6
Har Nof, Jerusalem 95400
Israel

e-mail: mosher@mountainvistasoft.com

I'd like to thank Reuven Engelberg (of Har Nof, Jerusalem) for introducing me to the art of being a Jewish Shomer, and for teaching me how to carry out this important 'mitzvah'.

Other References

What is the role of the best man at a Jewish wedding? (by Rabbi Dovid Zaklikowski, a member of the chabad.org "Ask the Rabbi" team)

Last updated: 12 November 2018